I often think about and hear the phrase, “If only there were more hours in the day.” So I’ve put that wish to deep thought, in hopes of parodying our go-getter, can’t-stop-won’t-stop culture. For those of you who read the New Yorker, this is my own version of Shouts and Murmurs. Tread lightly.
Due to the increasing workload and constraints of time on the general population, the United Nations has decided to implement a worldwide addition of four hours (240 minutes) to each day. This means the phrase “24/7″ will be abolished and replaced with “28/7.”
Because the earth’s rotation of the sun will still remain at 24 hours per cycle (we, of course, do not currently have control of that), citizens will have to become accustomed to completely ignoring what we now consider normal sunshine hours. For example, the first day of the 28-hour day, the day will technically end at what we now consider 4 a.m. This will be the new midnight, or 14:00 a.m. Therefore, if one goes to sleep at the new midnight and gets five hours of sleep, they will wake up at 5 a.m. new time, or 9 a.m. old time. Essentially, citizens will need to toss out the idea that they will rise when the sun comes up and sleep when it goes down. Daylight hours will change every day. To accommodate this, it is recommended that citizens invest in blackout curtains or a sleeping mask to prevent light from interrupting sleep.
Yes, this new system will greatly disrupt the natural rhythms of all people, places and things. But our hope is that the positives will outweigh the negatives, and that productivity will increase while sleep deprivation decreases. If each citizen can get eight hours of sleep a night, they will have 20 hours in the day to be productive.
The value of weeks, months, seasons and years will also be compromised. But do not fret: we have a highly skilled team of scientists and environmentalists working on getting this sorted out. We will send out an additional email notification as soon as we come to a decision. Due to our early implementation of the 28-hour day, this should come very soon.
We realize this will have a great effect on every living member of this planet. But we wanted to especially assuage a few key industries who will be especially affected by this new daily structure.
To the timepiece industry: Mandatory recalls will be put in place by all timepieces that do not meet the 28-hour day time frame. This will apply every timepiece, excluding cell phones and other devices that can update over the air.
To the lighting industry: Because it will often be dark when it is, in fact, daytime, areas with significant amounts of people required to be outside must install lighting systems in order for activities to run as they would in the sunshine. This will call for an initial increase in production on your part. But never fear. You’ve got four more hours in the day.
To the beach resorts: we recommend that you discourage your guests from using the beach during the dark hours of day and night. This is to ensure guest safety, and not meant to detract from business or pleasure. We ask that you also strictly follow the 28-hour day policy, and not let guests onto beaches when it is sunny at night. We hope that an accidental positive to this rule will be less instances of skin cancer.
To the farmers: hold tight, and keep doing what you do. We are still finalizing an updated farming schedule for the new 28-hour day.
In order to prevent utter chaos, we ask that you refrain from filing any complaints or sending any displeased letters, emails, tweets or texts our way. We strongly believe that, with time, every citizen will be pleased with our decision to add to the day.
We are sorry to impose such a complicated daily schedule for citizens of the world, but and we have argued continuously over the benefits and disadvantages of creating the 28-hour day. In the end, we hope these amendments can be made efficiently. After all, there are four more hours in a day.